The Reality of Dreams
What does it feel like to hold your book for the first time? I might ask you the same: What does it feel like when a long-sought dream becomes reality?
How did you feel when you held your firstborn child, bought your first home, married your spouse, or achieved one month of sobriety? What were you thinking when you heard that the cancer was in remission, received the acceptance letter to your first-choice college, paid off the last of your credit card debt, or earned the 10-year pin at work? Were you elated or surprised? Did you experience a rush of successive and overwhelming emotions? Or perhaps the weight of this moment finallybeing here quieted you in disbelief. Is this really happening?
I’ve carried the concept of my book for seven and a half years, and actively labored for three. My cry all throughout my pregnancy, David’s life, and life without David was and continues to be, “God don’t waste the pain!”
God has honored that request in countless ways, but today was a pinnacle moment. I held Mourning God in my hands for the first time this morning. In God’s lovingkindness, he gave me the title before I typed a single word on the screen, and the publisher granted me the honor of naming the message I’ve been called to steward.
I thought I might collapse in happy sad tears to hold the tangible book, the culmination of so much sorrow, joy, and worship poured out on the page. I thought I might sense peace overwhelm me, or experience giddy disbelief.
Instead, my authorial eye first noticed the corrections yet to be made, and I scribbled a few questions to email my editor later. Then, as I flipped through the pages marveling at how pixels became print, humility and gratitude sprang forth in praise of the God who beckons me to join him on the wild journey of proclaiming his Good News. They were both subdued responses, but true to my nature, I guess.
Now ready to begin the day’s work, I put Mourning God aside and opened my laptop. And that’s when the tidal wave hit. Not of much-anticipated delight, but of grief flooding my body and brain. Grief that the one to whom the book is dedicated is no longer here. It was grief—first of David and then of the God I thought I knew—that propelled me on the journey depicted in the book. I’m truly grateful that God redeems pain, and I pray that the comfort he's given me will be of comfort to others (2 Cor. 1:4).
But my God, it still hurts! I don’t want to hold a book. I want to hold my son! Short of sin, there is nothing I wouldn’t give or do to be with David again.
What does it feel like to hold your book for the first time? Sorrowful joy.
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The truth is that none of our hard-won moments happened in isolation. They were the culmination of the hundreds of thousands of moments that came before them: some mundane, some painful, some beautiful, and many of them filled with intentional effort.
As Eugene Peterson popularized, the Christian life is a long obedience in the same direction. Spiritual formation is rarely wrought with quick fixes or a series of dramatic experiences. Instead, it is a long, consistent journey of faith over time as one traverses with the Lord up that mountain, down that meandering path, into the valley shadowed by jagged cliffs, beside the still waters, through the dense forest, into wide open spaces, and further still through dark and light, death and life.
Those pinnacle moments? They’re to be celebrated indeed, so savor and cherish them. All good and perfect gifts are from God (James 1:17) and are to be received with thanksgiving, gratitude, and praise for the Giver of the gift. But don’t confuse mountaintops for the destination itself. The destination has always been full and abundant life with God (1 John 5:11).
So while my initial response to paging through Mourning God isn’t what I expected, I’m still grateful. I’m grateful to have this opportunity to praise God for his goodness, and I’m also grateful that publishing a book isn’t the culmination of my life. There is so much more life to be lived with God, and I pray that this book would simply be a truthful and helpful resource in your life and the lives of others as we pursue the Hope that doesn’t disappoint.